50 Git Merge Conflict Jokes That Hit Too Close to Home

I opened the file and saw <<<<<<< HEAD. I closed the laptop and went for a walk.

Ours or theirs. Nobody on this team has ever been sure which one is which.

I resolved the conflict by deleting both sides and writing what I thought the code should be. The tests still pass. The product manager does not.

I rebased a feature branch. Two hours later I was rebasing my will to live.

Force pushed to main. The Slack channel went so quiet I could hear my own keyboard.

git reflog is not a command. It is a prayer.

Junior asked why his branch had 47 commits called fix. I told him that is just how legends are born.

The PR description said small change. The diff was 4,200 lines and most of them were package-lock.json.

I cherry-picked a commit. It brought four friends I did not invite.

git stash pop. Nothing came out. Somewhere in the multiverse, a different version of me is still working on that feature.

Conflict in package-lock.json. I deleted it, ran install, and prayed to whichever god runs npm this week.

We had a binary file conflict. I picked the bigger one because it looked more important.

Detached HEAD state. That is also how I feel during planning poker.

I asked the new hire if she had pulled. She said yes. She had not pulled.

git reset --hard is the only therapy my insurance covers.

Squash merge took 12 commits called wip and turned them into one commit called wip.

The merge was clean. That is when I knew something was very wrong.

I accidentally pushed to prod. Then I un-accidentally pushed a fix to prod. Then I claimed both were intentional.

The git history looks like a subway map drawn by a toddler.

Fast-forward merge. The only thing in my life that has ever moved forward without a meeting.

I opened a file and found a commit by someone whose name I did not recognize. I checked the company directory. They left in 2019.

The .gitignore that we needed was never checked in. So every laptop on the team has its own private rebellion.

I rebased onto main. Main rebased onto me. We are now married in seven states.

Three people are typing in the conflict resolution channel. None of them have touched the file.

I force-pushed over a colleague's work. We do not speak anymore. Mostly because he is still searching the reflog.

Git is distributed. The blame is centralized.

Typo in the commit message reads coomit fix. It will outlive the company.

The senior engineer said merge conflicts are easy. Then she opened the file and went very still.

I resolved a conflict by taking ours. It turned out ours was theirs. It turned out theirs was mine from yesterday.

A junior asked me if rebase rewrites history. I said yes and so do politicians.

Two engineers, one file, one weekend. The merge took longer than the feature.

The repo has 14 branches called test, test2, test-real, test-final, and test-final-FINAL. Main is somewhere in there.

I once spent four hours on a conflict. The resolution was choosing the line that already existed in both files.

Nothing focuses the mind like the word rebase in a calendar invite.

git log --oneline --graph is just modern art at this point.

The PR has 47 commits called fix and one commit called actually fix. Reviewer approved without reading.

I asked git who broke the build. Git said I did. Git was right and I have never forgiven it.

The conflict was in a generated file. I regenerated it. It produced a different conflict in a different generated file.

Pre-commit hook caught my mistake. Then I added --no-verify and made the mistake anyway. This is the developer's free will.

The git stash list has entries from 2022. I am not throwing them away. One of them might be the cure for cancer.

Twenty-five years of shipping software and the scariest sentence I still hear is, I think I resolved it correctly.

Two branches drifted for six months. The merge had 300 conflicts. I ran git checkout --ours on everything and told the other team their work was, in spirit, included.

The conflict markers appeared. Both sides were byte-for-byte identical. Git just wanted me to feel something.

Nobody set up .gitattributes. The Windows dev and the Mac dev have been silently rewriting every line of every file to each other for three years. The diffs are a private language only they understand.

Junior committed a 400 MB binary on Tuesday. We noticed on Friday. The repo now ships with its own warning label.

Pushed the .env to a public repo. Force-pushed over it in ninety seconds. GitHub had already shown it to a bot in eleven.

The merge queue rejected my PR for failing tests. The tests pass locally. The merge queue does not care about my feelings or my laptop.

Rebase or merge is not a technical question. It is a personality test. And I have learned not to date the rebasers.

CODEOWNERS demanded a reviewer who left the company in 2023. I removed the file. The PR description for that change is one sentence: it's fine.

Opened a PR. The description was a single screenshot of the Jira ticket. The Jira ticket description was a single screenshot of a Slack message. The Slack message said, you know what I mean.