60 Costco Jokes Every Member Has Lived on a Saturday

I went to Costco for milk. I left with milk, a kayak, and a 75-inch TV. The milk was the only thing on the list.

The $1.50 hot dog and soda combo has not changed price since 1985. My rent has.

I walked into Costco with $40 and a plan. I walked out with $400 and a rotisserie chicken.

The Costco rotisserie chicken is $4.99 because if it ever hits $5.00, civilization ends.

My cart at Costco has a 48-pack of paper towels, a 96-pack of toilet paper, and a single cantaloupe. I did not plan any of it.

The greeter checked my membership card like it was a passport at a border crossing. It is, basically.

The receipt checker at the exit drew a line on my receipt with the focus of a surgeon. I passed inspection.

I ate the sample, made eye contact with the lady, took a second sample, and pretended it was for my wife. I do not have a wife with me.

11:45 a.m. at Costco is when the sample carts come out. 11:46 a.m. is when the lap starts.

I told my wife I was going to Costco for one thing. She handed me a flatbed cart on my way out the door.

I bought a 5-pound wheel of cheese at Costco. I live alone.

The 3-gallon jar of mayonnaise made sense in the aisle. It does not make sense in my refrigerator.

I bought a 24-pack of socks at Costco. I now own socks until 2041.

Nobody walks into Costco intending to buy a kayak. Everybody walks out of Costco having considered the kayak.

The patio set was an impulse buy. It is now wedged in the back seat of a sedan.

I bought a generator at Costco because it was on sale. I live in an apartment.

The 75-inch TV fit in the cart. It did not fit through the front door.

I went to the Costco optical center for an eye exam. I left with a year supply of contacts and a new pair of sunglasses I did not need.

The pharmacy line at Costco moves at the speed of plate tectonics. The drugs are cheap, so I wait.

The tire center said the wait was two hours. It was four. The tires were free.

The Costco photo center is technically still open. Nobody has used it since 2014.

The food court line wraps around the building. I joined it anyway. It was a $1.50 hot dog.

I finished my soda, walked back to the dispenser for a free refill, and walked back to my table like I had outsmarted the system. I had.

Costco has kept the rotisserie chicken at $4.99 since 2009. This is the only stable thing in my life.

The Kirkland Signature golf balls are made by Titleist. The Kirkland Signature batteries are made by Duracell. The Kirkland Signature Kirkland is made by Kirkland.

I bought Kirkland Signature bourbon for $19. It won an award. The bottle of $60 bourbon next to it did not.

The executive membership refund check arrived in February. It was $312. I immediately spent it at Costco.

I did the math on whether to upgrade to executive membership. The math always says yes. The math is doing Costco's work.

It is August. The seasonal aisle has Christmas trees. It is fine.

The Costco parking lot on a Saturday is a Tetris game with no win state.

I watched a woman put a single cantaloupe in a cart the size of a sedan. I respected her restraint.

The man in front of me at checkout had 14 cases of LaCroix and nothing else. No judgment. Only questions.

The parent at Costco buying a 96-count box of granola bars knows something the rest of us do not.

There was a small dog in the child seat of a cart. The dog had a membership card. I did not ask.

The receipt checker found one item on my receipt and one item in my cart that did not match. It was a 12-pack of socks. I surrendered.

My Costco membership auto-renewed on a Tuesday at 3 a.m. I did not consent. I also did not cancel.

My husband went to Costco for batteries. He came home with a pallet of bottled water and no batteries.

My kid has been on a sample-only diet for three Saturdays in a row. He is thriving.

The 24-pack of muffins from Costco goes stale on day four. I eat them on days five through nine anyway.

The Kirkland croissants are gone by Sunday morning. We bought twelve on Saturday afternoon.

I bought a 5-pound tub of peanuts at Costco. I am not a baseball stadium.

I came home from Costco and discovered my freezer was full before I had unloaded the car.

I bought a chest freezer to hold the Costco haul. The chest freezer was bought at Costco.

There is an inflatable boat at Costco. It is $400. I do not live near water.

The Vitamix at Costco comes with attachments I do not understand. I bought it anyway.

I stood next to the Dyson display for fifteen minutes pretending to consider it. I was just resting my feet.

A woman tested every massage chair in the row. She was not buying one. She was just enjoying her Saturday.

The man at the membership desk said he just wanted to buy one thing. The employee laughed for a full minute.

We went to Costco on Saturday for the week. We went back on Sunday for what we forgot.

The Costco gas line is fifteen cars long. I joined it. The gas was eight cents cheaper. Worth it.

Costco does not have aisle signs. Costco does not need aisle signs. If you knew where it was last time, it is in a different place now.

The bakery at Costco sells a cake that feeds 48 people. I bought one for a birthday party of six.

I picked up a single bottle of olive oil at Costco. It was 3 liters.

The cart at Costco is big enough to sleep in. I have considered it.

The forklifts at Costco operate during business hours. This is not a warehouse pretending to be a store. It is a warehouse.

I went to Costco on a Tuesday at 10 a.m. like a person with a job who took a sick day. I saw three people I knew.

The book table at Costco is the last unaffiliated bookstore in America.

The clothing section at Costco is just dropped on tables. I bought three shirts that fit by accident.

I went to Costco for one thing. I cannot remember what it was. I bought everything else.

The $1.50 hot dog is not a loss leader. It is a love letter.