Steven Wright Jokes and One-Liners: A Deadpan Collection

I intend to live forever.
So far, so good.

I spilled spot remover on my dog.
Now he's gone.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven.
I almost went back in time.

If at first you don't succeed,
then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I saw a bank that said "24-Hour Banking."
But I don’t have that much time.

I was trying to daydream,
but my mind kept wandering.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Do you die?

I used to have an open mind,
but my brains kept falling out.

Why is the word abbreviation so long?
It's ironic, isn’t it?

I was born to be a pessimist.
My blood type is B-negative.

Hard work pays off in the future.
Laziness pays off now.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Think about it.

I was arrested for stealing a painting.
It was a sketchy situation.

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
They came free of charge.

I plugged my phone charger into my laptop.
It charged both our batteries.

I once stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

I bought a humidifier and a dehumidifier.
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I have the world's largest seashell collection.
You can have it if you bring it back.

I saw a sign that said "Coming Soon: a 24-hour gym."
Who’s got time to work out for a whole day?

I went to a restaurant that claimed to serve breakfast any time.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

My mechanic told me, 'I couldn't repair your brakes,'
so I made your horn louder.

Whenever I think about the past, it brings back so many memories.
Go figure.

I was in a speed-reading accident once.
I hit a bookmark.

I saw a sign on a gas station.
It said, 'We never close', so I knocked on the window at 2 a.m.

I have a map of the United States.
It’s actual size.

I bought a dictionary.
The first thing I looked up was 'dictionary.' It said, 'You’re holding it.'

I walked past a bakery.
The smell of fresh bread made my mouth water, and I gained three pounds.

I stayed up all night trying to solve a math problem.
It was a piece of pi.

I used to be a drummer.
But I found it too cymbal-istic.

I named my dog "Five Miles."
So I can tell people I walk five miles every day.

I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.'
I thought, 'That sounds like a fair trade.'

I bought some powdered water.
But I don’t know what to add.

I locked my keys in the car.
I had to break the window to let the dog out.

I went to a restaurant and ate my meal.
I said, 'That was fast food!'

I broke a mirror.
It’s going to be seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I once tried to drown my sorrows.
But the darn things learned how to swim.

I have an inferiority complex.
But it’s not a very good one.

My friend has a trophy wife.
But apparently, she wasn’t first place.

I put my air conditioner in backwards.
Now I have cold air outside and hot air inside.

Why do they call it rush hour?
When nothing moves.

I plan to write a book.
It’s going to have blank pages so you can write your own story.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive.
But only for a second.

I saw a broken escalator.
Now it’s just stairs.

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.

I invented a cordless extension cord.
But it doesn’t seem to work.

I bought a garage door opener.
It only opened other people's garages.

I was reading a book on anti-gravity.
I couldn’t put it down.

I got a job at a light bulb factory.
My future is looking brighter.

I told a joke about time travel.
You didn’t get it yet.