55 GPS Navigation Jokes for People Who Trusted the Robot

The GPS said recalculating. I had not moved. I was at a red light. The GPS recalculated the red light.

I missed one turn. The GPS spent the next four miles saying recalculating. I missed the turn forty seconds ago. It is still processing.

The GPS said make a U-turn when possible. It said it on a bridge. There is no when possible on a bridge.

It said make a U-turn when possible. The next when possible was eleven miles later. We were committed.

The GPS routed me down a U-turn into a one-way street going the other way. The car behind me honked. The GPS said proceed to the route.

The shortcut took me down a gravel road for six miles. I saw three cows and a goat. I do not live in the country. I was going to the dentist.

The alternate route saves three minutes. The alternate route is through a residential alley behind a school at pickup time. I will take the eight extra minutes.

Waze sent me through a neighborhood at 7:45 a.m. Every driveway had a parent backing out. We made eye contact one by one. I was the villain in fourteen consecutive scenes.

Apple Maps is the family member who means well. Google Maps is the friend who is correct. Waze is the cousin who has seen things.

I used Apple Maps once in 2012. It tried to drive me into a lake. I have not opened it since and I have a long memory.

My wife uses Apple Maps. I use Google Maps. We do not arrive at the same time and we do not arrive by the same route and the marriage survives by not discussing it.

Waze said police reported ahead. There were no police. There was a man on a riding mower. Somebody saw a uniform and panicked.

Waze said object on road. The object was a leaf. The pin had been there since October.

According to Waze is how every late person begins the explanation for being late.

Trust me, take Waze, my friend said. We took Waze. Waze took us behind a strip mall, through a church parking lot, and out the back of a car wash. We arrived two minutes early. He has never let me forget it.

The GPS voice said turn right on Wuh-stir Street. The street is Worcester. It is pronounced Wooster. The GPS has never been to Massachusetts.

The voice said the destination is on Boo-din Boulevard. It is Boudin. Boo-dan. The voice has also never been to Louisiana.

The voice said turn left on St. Anything in any city in America and pronounced it Saint with the T loud and proud. Locals say Sant. The voice does not care.

I tapped one wrong button two months ago. My GPS has been giving directions in French ever since. I do not speak French. I have learned tournez and droite by survival.

In 800 feet turn right. In 200 feet turn right. In 50 feet turn right. Turn right now. Turn right now. You missed the turn. Recalculating. The whole drama in four seconds.

The voice said turn right in 100 feet. I prepared. The voice said turn right in 5 feet. I did not prepare for that.

It said change lanes in 500 feet. I changed lanes. It said change lanes again. I changed lanes again. I am now in a lane I do not understand for a turn that does not exist.

It said exit on the right. There was no right exit. There was a left exit, a center lane, and a guardrail. I picked the guardrail in spirit.

I was on the highway. The GPS told me to merge onto the highway. I am already on the highway. We had a brief disagreement and I kept driving.

It said drive one mile. Twelve miles later it still had not said anything. I started checking the screen at every overpass like a hostage looking for a window.

It said your destination is on the right. The destination was a Costco. The parking lot had 800 spaces. The right was theoretical.

I forgot to download the offline map. I had no signal. The GPS showed a blue dot in a beige void. I navigated by vibe and by sun.

The tunnel ate the GPS. The GPS came back online a mile after I needed it. The voice cheerfully said in 50 feet turn right. The exit was already behind me.

Downtown lost the GPS. The blue dot was in a different building. According to the phone I was in a Subway. I was in a parking garage. We were both confused.

CarPlay disconnected halfway through the trip. The phone kept giving directions on the phone screen. The car screen showed the wallpaper. I drove with one eye on each.

Android Auto crashed at the exact moment the GPS said turn right now. The screen went black, the audio went silent, and I made a decision based on faith.

The bluetooth routed my hands-free call through my wife's phone in the next room. She picked up. She is not in the car. The conference call did not recover.

The GPS said your destination is in 0.1 mile. I drove 0.6 miles before I saw the building. Somebody at the GPS is rounding aggressively.

The route ran me through a tollbooth I did not expect. I had no transponder. I had no cash. I waved at the camera and now I have mail.

I checked the avoid tolls box. The route had three tolls. The box is a suggestion, not a setting.

I checked the avoid highways box because I wanted scenery. The route had 47 traffic lights and a school zone. I have seen all the scenery. I would like a highway back.

The ETA updated more often than the song on the radio. 4:42. 4:43. 4:41. 4:44. I never knew what time I would arrive. I knew only that arrival was a concept.

The ETA said 5:14 the entire trip. We hit construction, we hit a detour, we hit a deer. Still 5:14. The GPS believes in destiny.

The ETA went up while I was moving. I was driving the speed limit. The future was getting further away.

The rideshare driver pulled into the wrong driveway. He sat there for two minutes. He texted he is outside. He was outside my neighbor's house.

The delivery driver left the package at the wrong house. The map pin was correct. The driveway was the next one over. The pin and the driveway never agree on this street.

I once heard an ambulance use Waze. The siren was on. The voice said in 500 feet turn right. The ambulance turned right. I do not know how to feel about this.

My friend said I do not need GPS, I know the way. We were lost for forty minutes. He did know the way. He just did not know which way was now.

He refused to turn on the GPS out of pride. We arrived seventeen minutes late and he said the road must have changed. The road had not changed.

The kid in the back seat started saying turn right in 800 feet along with the GPS. He was four. He was correct every time.

The GPS started speaking in another language and the kid in the back understood it better than I did. He is six. I do not know when he learned this.

The voice said you have arrived. I was on a frontage road behind a chain-link fence. The destination was on the other side. There was no gate. I had not arrived. I had been deceived.

The map showed my house address as a pin labeled with my full name. I did not put that there. I do not know who did. I would like it removed.

Apple Maps put my gym across the street from my actual gym. For two years I told visitors to go to the wrong building. I am sorry to whoever runs the dry cleaner over there.

The map sent me to a Pizza place that has been closed since 2017. The pin had a five-star review from 2016 and a photo of an empty lot from last week.

I rated a restaurant three stars. The map asked me to rate the route I took there. I gave the route one star. The map asked if I was sure. I was sure.

The GPS suggested I leave for my appointment now to arrive on time. The appointment was tomorrow. The GPS had decided I would be late preemptively.

The voice said heavy traffic ahead. The road was empty. Three miles later there was a moose. The GPS knew. I did not ask how.

I drove the same route to work for nine years. The GPS still suggests a faster alternate every morning. I have never taken it. I do not trust the alternate. The alternate has never proven itself.

I followed the alternate one time. The alternate added eight minutes and a left turn across four lanes with no light. I have learned my lesson and the GPS has not.