55 Spam Call Jokes for the Number You Already Blocked

The robocall opens with "this is your final notice about your vehicle's extended warranty." It has been my final notice every Tuesday for six years.

A voice that is almost convincing says it is calling from the IRS. The IRS does not call. The IRS sends a letter that ruins a Saturday.

The man on the line tells me my outstanding tax balance can only be settled in gift cards. I tell him I will need a receipt for my accountant. He hangs up.

A recorded officer informs me there is a warrant for my arrest. I ask which county. The recording loops back to the start.

"This is the Social Security Administration." My Social Security number, according to this caller, has been suspended. I did not know that was a thing numbers could do.

The incoming number matches my area code. The incoming number matches my exchange. The incoming number is, statistically, a person who has never been within 800 miles of my house.

The first six digits of the caller ID match mine exactly. The spoofer knows my prefix better than half my contacts do.

Neighbor spoofing has convinced me that every person in a three-block radius is trying to sell me solar panels at 10:42 a.m.

My own number called me today. I let it ring. I was curious what I wanted.

I answer with "hello" and the line goes silent for four seconds and then disconnects. Somewhere a dialer learned my voice exists.

The cloned voice on the line sounds like my nephew and says he is in trouble and needs money wired now. My nephew is six. He does not have access to a wire transfer.

"Your package could not be delivered." I have not ordered a package. I refresh my Amazon orders anyway, because that is the level of doubt these texts operate at.

"Your delivery is delayed." Click the link to reschedule. The link is hosted on a domain that ends in dot-ru. The package is, I assume, also delayed.

"We have noticed unusual activity on your account." The unusual activity is this call.

"Your Apple ID has been compromised." Press 1 to speak with Apple Support. Apple Support does not press 1.

Election season turns my phone into a campaign office that has no interest in what I think and every interest in what I might donate.

A Medicare supplemental plan caller asks for my date of birth before saying hello. I tell her hers. She does not appreciate the symmetry.

The solar panel call asks if I own my home. I tell them I rent. They ask if I would like to own one. The pivot is impressive.

The loan refinance robocall has been refinancing my nonexistent mortgage twice a week since 2019. I do not own a mortgage. I do not own anything.

Someone is calling about a rental inquiry on a property I do not own. I tell them the listing is fake. They ask if I would like to list it anyway.

The medical alert device call says it is a courtesy follow-up. I have never spoken to them. They consider that the courtesy.

Student loan forgiveness, the robocall promises, is available for a limited time only. The limited time has been ongoing since 2014.

The energy company switch call swears the rate is locked in. The rate is always locked in. The lock is always opening.

A timeshare invitation includes a free cruise that requires a 90-minute presentation that turns into six hours that ends in a payment plan I will spend the rest of my life unsubscribing from.

"You have been selected for a complimentary cruise." The complimentary cruise leaves from a port that the cruise line does not service and arrives at a country that does not exist.

"This is your final notice about your credit card." It is somehow always the final notice. The notices have a higher renewal rate than my actual card.

Press 1 to be removed from the list. Press 1 again to be added to a more expensive list.

The carrier tags the incoming call as "Spam Likely." The carrier is being generous. The carrier means "Spam Confirmed."

The carrier tagged the call as Spam Likely. The call was my doctor's office. The follow-up appointment is now in three months.

Do Not Disturb has one job. The job is, apparently, optional.

Silence Unknown Callers silences the unknown callers and also silences my new dentist, my child's school, and the delivery driver standing at the gate.

8:14 a.m. is the spam call hour. Every morning. Same minute. I have started using it as an alarm.

The number labeled Spam Likely turned out to be my doctor's office calling about a test result. I have set the world record for the longest "I'm sorry I missed you."

My kid answered an unknown call. The dialer is now confident a human in this household is interested in extended warranties at age four.

My kid pressed accept on the same spam number three times before I could intercept. I think we are on a list now.

Contact-only filtering means my phone now rejects everyone, including the friends I have not added since 2017.

Call Screening transcribes the spam call live and the transcript reads like a fever dream from a printer that has stopped believing in spaces.

The call-screen transcript said "yes hello sir warranty." Three words. Three lifetimes.

The AI voice on the line paused for my response, listened, and then continued reading its script as if I had said yes. I had said "who is this."

The AI voice did not pause. It just kept reading. I had time to make a coffee, return, and find it on paragraph four.

I tried playing along with the warranty caller for nine minutes. I ended the call. The caller ended my afternoon.

The airhorn response works exactly once per caller. The dialer moves on. The list does not.

"Let me get my husband." Five minutes pass. I do not have a husband. The caller is still holding.

I put the warranty caller on hold for twenty-seven minutes. They held. I do not know what they were hoping would happen at minute twenty-eight.

STIR and SHAKEN was the framework that was going to fix this. The framework is, apparently, holding the bag.

I imported a blocked-numbers list of 247 entries. By Wednesday it was 261.

Same caller, new number. Same script, new voice. Same offer, new accent. Same prerecording, new name. The variables rotate. The constant is the call.

Every blocked number is replaced with two more, like a hydra running on a Twilio trial.

The morning call wakes me up to tell me about a service I do not use.

The dinner call interrupts to confirm an appointment I did not make.

The Sunday-morning call is the most disrespectful. Whoever runs that dialer does not believe in weekends, or rest, or me.

I once received a spam call about lowering the cost of my spam call protection plan. I had to sit down.

The Do Not Call Registry is, structurally, a list of people who would like to be on it.

I reported the number to the FTC. The FTC replied with an automated email. The system is consistent, at least.

The voicemail the spammer left is six seconds of someone in a call center asking someone else if this one is recording.

My phone has blocked, silenced, screened, transcribed, and reported the same auto warranty caller for four years running. The warranty is still expiring.