45 Smartwatch Jokes for the Buzz on Your Wrist

My watch told me to close my rings. I told it to close its mouth.

It was 11:54 p.m. and my move ring was at 92 percent. Reader, I jogged in place next to the bed.

Some days the move goal is unreachable. Those are the days I sit on the couch and resent a circle.

The standing reminder went off during a Zoom meeting. I stood. Everyone watched my head leave the frame.

The watch said, Time to stand. I was in a window seat on a plane at 35,000 feet.

Standing reminder fired three minutes before a one-on-one ended. I sat back down halfway through getting up.

The watch suggested I take a moment to breathe. The moment lasted exactly one minute and made me angrier.

The breathe reminder came while I was screaming at a printer. The printer was unmoved. The watch was disappointed.

My heart rate spiked at the doctor's office. The watch flagged it. The doctor charged extra for the data.

Watch alert: resting heart rate 47 bpm. I was watching paint dry. The data checks out.

The high heart rate alert hit while I was in the bathroom. Nothing exciting was happening. The watch disagreed.

During a horror movie my watch logged an outdoor workout. I never left the couch.

Fall detection triggered while I was dancing. The watch offered to call emergency services. My friends offered to call them too, for different reasons.

I fell down the stairs and the watch said nothing. Later, sitting still, it asked if I wanted to log a hike.

The SOS countdown started in my pocket on the train. I explained to four strangers that I was fine and one cop.

The noise-level warning fired at the concert I paid 180 dollars to attend. The watch is not a fan of live music.

The workout autostart did not start until mile two. According to the watch, I teleported.

I forgot to end a workout once. I have been walking, apparently, for four hours. In bed.

I paid for the coffee with my wrist. The barista watched the future arrive and was not impressed.

Boarding pass on the wrist is a power move. It is also a five-attempt scan and a held-up line.

Once, exactly once, the wrist boarding pass scanned on the first try. I think about that day often.

The gate scanner does not believe in my watch. I do not believe in the gate scanner. We have an arrangement.

I replied to an iMessage with Scribble. My friend received the word ploxnut.

Tap to reply suggested three emoji. I picked one. It was the eggplant. I had not meant the eggplant.

Voice reply works great. It works great for everyone in the elevator with me.

My wrist lit up at 3 a.m. in bed. The room glowed like a small interrogation.

Raise to wake is also called raise to ruin the movie for the person next to you.

The watch told me I did not sleep last night. I was there. I have notes.

After staring at the ceiling for two hours, the watch logged seven hours of restful sleep. I envy whoever it was tracking.

My friend and I compared activity rings. We are no longer friends. We are competitors.

I change my watch face every Monday. It is the only consistency in my week.

I spent four minutes setting up a beautiful complications layout. I have not seen that watch face since.

I own seven watch bands. I wear two.

The watch band will not unhook from my wrist. It is fine. We live together now.

My watch died at 4 p.m. The rest of the day did not officially happen.

The nightly charge ritual is the most committed relationship I am in.

I pay for a cellular plan on a watch I have never used on cellular.

I tried to cancel the cellular plan. The call was routed to a person whose job is to keep me on the cellular plan.

Family setup is great until the kid figures out the contacts app.

My kid texted me fourteen times in twenty minutes from her wrist. All fourteen said poop.

The watch is a fitness tracker that occasionally prompts me to apologize to it.

The weekly activity report arrives on Monday morning by email. It is the kindest passive-aggressive note I receive.

The trends panel says I am slowing down. The trends panel has not asked about my year.

The trends panel says I have improved. I got a new dog. The dog walks me.

I broke an 87-day move-ring streak by sleeping in once. The watch did not say a word. That was worse.